For the first time in my life, my day job is a job
I love. I work as Case Manager in a program for parents who are in the process
of separating from their partner. In Australia, if a couple wants to go to court
to sort out their differences, it is compulsory for them to do everything in
their power to sort out their differences through mediation first. The courts
won’t consider them until this has at least been tried.
The organization where I work offers such mediation
for separating parents, but before they can have mediation, it is compulsory
that parents attend our Parenting After Separation workshop, to assist them to
develop the skills they need for a successful mediation - namely better communication
skills with their ex-partner, and also learning how to maintain a child focused
approach throughout the process.
There are several aspects to my role. Every 2-3
weeks, I run the four-hour post-separation parenting workshop. The couples
don’t attend the workshops together, but they are booked in to attend separate
workshops, so that they feel easier about participating. It wouldn’t be
conducive to positive group interaction to have the warring partners together
in the same workshop.
The group can be an emotional experience, as we
watch some confronting videos during the session, which clearly depict the
impact of unresolved conflict on children. This is the focus of the workshop.
If parents must break up and the rupture of the family is inevitable, we try to
give them the skills needed to become less focused on their partner issues and
more focused on the needs of their children.
The second aspect to the role is ongoing case management.
The organization is quite flexible as to how many appointments a client can
have after attending the group, but we insist on at least one. This is the
appointment where I work intensively with the client to prepare them for their mediation,
ensuring that they haven’t overlooked anything that they might want included in
a parenting plan.
I certainly enjoy running the workshop, knowing
that I might be helping to make a break-up a little less traumatic for children,
but it is these case management interviews I really enjoy. The first
appointment is where I get the chance to find out if the parents have taken the
information and skills on board. Some parents have clearly made a shift, but others
come to the appointment with no agenda other than to attack and blame the other
partner, not even able to see how their children are being impacted by their
behaviour.
Although I case-manage the parents individually, I
still work with both members of the couple, and this is what makes the work so
interesting - I get to hear both sides of the story. It is amazing how very
different each version is. They might match up a little in places, but in
others, it’s as if they are talking about a completely different experience.
Although it’s not my role to work out who is
telling the truth, and who is lying, my mind automatically tries to solve it
like a crime. I wonder who is telling the truth. Who is lying? How can I tell?
He says she did this, but she says he did that. She says he was physically
abusive. He says she was verbally abusive. I find I tend to believe one over
another, and it is interesting that it is usually the partner whose version I
hear first, but in several instances I have been swayed when I heard the second
partner’s version.
Of course, the skill of the role is in not allowing
any bias to be obvious. My role description is not to work out who is lying and
who isn’t, but to provide an equal support service to each partner without
judgment, preparing each for their mediation, referring them on to other
services if needed, and to assess whether or not they are being child focused
as they move on or just continuing with partner bashing. I know that I have
succeeded when I develop a rapport with both partners, and both continue to
seek me out for ongoing support.
I know that often I am hearing truths, half-truths,
embellishments, exaggeration, and outright lies, however most of the time I know
I am hearing two genuine people who are telling extremely different stories,
but both stories are part of a bigger truth, yet still not the whole truth. I
hear awful things, selfish and tragic stories, but also many wonderfully
selfless and inspirational stories from parents willing to go the extra
distance to spare their children unnecessary hurt - parents such as the mother
in the time of King Solomon, who would sooner give up her child than have him
or her torn down the middle.
The anger, rage, bitterness I see, are symptoms of
a deeper pain, but the hurting parents usually have the skills to go to someone
and ask for help. But what of the children - the children who are torn between
both parents because they love both and want to be with both? I have not heard
of any instances yet where children have turned up at our front counter, or
rung in seeking help to escape the constant conflict. They don’t have the skills to seek help or
the maturity to express what’s going on for them. They suffer alone and in
silence. If my job can help parents to forget themselves and remember their
children, then I think I’m doing something extremely worthwhile.
